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A Lack of Pants in Hyboria

This is the future, Funcom. THIS.

Anyways, back to AoC. Contrary to popular thought, Age of Conan is not just a game about naked girls and jungles. There’s a fair amount of blood in there, too. More importantly, there seems to be a severe lack of pants throughout the first couple of levels. Seriously.

I start the game washed up on a beach after the slave ship I’d been riding in somehow managed to sink (how rude). Cue dramatic music and a “our hero might be dead” scene. Once on the beach though, I proved to be pretty spry for only having a loincloth. Two minutes after regaining consciousness, I got to beat up some poor guy with a 2×4 left over from the ship.

Back to the pants. The guy I beat up, wearing pants, somehow had them fused to his body, so I was stuck in my loincloth. When I went back to the girl who’d sent me to kill him in the first place, she has the gall to ask me for an escort to the city. Being the naked gentleman I was, I agreed. On the way, I fought pirates, monkeys, and some variation of hellspawn. I kid you not, I spent the first 20 minutes in-game bare-assed. Every other piece of armor dropped. I went through three weapons.

Freezing in the cold jungle wind.

Right before I get to the city, one of the hellspawn drops some shorts and I was saved. Now, why a daemon would need shorts, I don’t know. Still, I wasn’t about to argue — smell or no smell.

Perhaps there’s something to be said for going free and loose, though, because I’m pretty sure the quest girl propositioned me right before we parted ways. There was some talk of money and favors– I don’t know. I was a little distracted, collecting bananas.

Oh, and then, get this, I’m at the city gates and they won’t let me in. What the hell, man? I go through all that, and I’m told I still look like a slave. Well, Mr. Favor-for-a-Favor-Fake-Accent-Man, SLAVES DON’T WEAR CLOTHES. They wear loincloths. Get it right. And manacles? I’m a fucking Cimmerian. Screw a guy for trying to start a new fashion trend. HELLO? Barbarian?

But, long story short, I made it into the city, visited an old woman in the dead of night, and hooked up with a guy in a bar about some long weapons training.

Thus ended my first night in Age of Conan.

Oh, and the graphics were good. 40 frames a second of pantsless splendor. On high settings. If you’re going commando, you’ve got to do it in style.

Now, back to bananas…

3 comments

  1. Stabs

    At some point you should check out the Zero Punctuation AoC review from a couple of years ago. He got quite far through the game with his naked Necromancer.

  2. xXJayeDuBXx

    I love going naked thorough the jungle just before hitting Tortage!

  3. Ronald Arnsworth

    You can definitely see your skills within the paintings you write. The world hopes for even more passionate writers like you who aren’t afraid to say how they believe. At all times follow your heart.

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